The reason I say “no” to you is so I can love you just as you are. (And so you can love me as I am).
When I feel an honest “no” but tell myself I have to say “yes” to you, your request becomes distressing to me. And so I argue with you, I oppose you, I avoid you, I manipulate you (if only in my mind). And when I fail to change your request with my manipulations or silent fretting, I resent you for even asking. I hate you for putting me in this position. I start to daydream about separating from you.
But it’s not you.
It’s the complication I’m laying on it by failing to just give my honest “no.” Simply saying “no” when I feel a “no” frees me from all that unnecessary complication to our relationship.
And that leaves me with a lot of room to love you just as you are.
When I free myself to offer an honest “no,” I don’t need to change a single thing about you. You can ask me anything. You can be anything.
And if you go to war with me over my “no,” I will have cared for myself enough to be able to hold you in my heart in your suffering without suffering myself.
Which allows me to stay totally connected with you.
Which in turn affords you every opportunity, in your own time, to recognize the love that my “no” made possible.
Receiving a “no”:
The reason you say “no” to me is so you can love me just as I am. (And so I can love you as you are).
When you feel an honest “no” but tell yourself you have to say “yes” to me, my request would become distressing to you. And so you would argue with me, oppose me, avoid me, manipulate me (if only in your mind). And when you’d fail to change my request with your manipulations or silent fretting, you would resent me for even asking. You would hate me for putting you in this position. You’d start to daydream about separating from me.
I don’t want any of that.
Simply saying “no” when you feel a “no” frees you from all that unnecessary complication to our relationship.
And that leaves you with a lot of room to love me just as you are.
When you free yourself to offer an honest “no,” you have no need to change a single thing about me. I can ask you anything. I can be anything.
And if I go to war with you over your “no,” you will have cared for yourself enough to be able to hold me in your heart in my suffering without suffering yourself.
Which allows you to stay totally connected with me.
Which in turn affords me every opportunity, in my own time, to recognize the love that your “no’s” make possible.