Boundaries

def: Actions I take with and for myself so I can love you just as you are.

If I find myself suffering in our relationship and I want to stop suffering, I have choices:

  1. I can try to change you to serve me. (…and find I still suffer)

  2. I can try to change myself to serve you. (…and find I still suffer)

  3. I can end the relationship and leave you. (…which may or may not serve me…or end my suffering)

  4. I can set effective BOUNDARIES and let you do what you’re going to do.

Boundaries are the things I do with and for myself so I can love you just as you are, without suffering.

They’re actions…

  • I take

  • with and for MYSELF

  • so I can love relating to you

  • JUST AS YOU ARE.

  • Without suffering.

They seek to control only what I control:

Me.

They’re NOT things I DEMAND YOU DO FOR ME.

  • “Shut up,”

  • “Go away,”

  • “Stand back,”

  • “Get help,”

  • “Speak kinder,”

  • “Take your medicine.”

  • “Dress better,”

  • “Lose weight,”

  • “Dance more,”

  • “Take a joke already!” …

They’re NOT things I DO TO YOU.

  • Yell at you,

  • Guilt trip you,

  • Pressure you,

  • Threaten you,

  • Judge you,

  • Criticize you,

  • Convince you,

  • Sell you,

  • Require things of you.

  • Manipulate you …

They’re NOT things I DO FOR YOU.

  • Keep your appointments,

  • Remind you,

  • Speak for you,

  • Tip-toe around you,

  • Clear up your confusion,

  • Clean up your messes,

  • Pay your bills,

  • Carry your burdens,

  • Manage your relationships,

  • Think your thoughts,

  • Feel your feelings,

  • Breathe your breaths …

Boundaries are things I DO WITH and FOR MYSELF to make our relationship work for ME.

  • Speak my truth,

  • Ask for what I want - understanding you may not give it,

  • Stand farther back,

  • Take more time,

  • Stay for only so long,

  • Stop when I’ve had enough,

  • Lock the door,

  • Bring my own,

  • Do it for myself.

  • Speak up,

  • Stay silent,

  • Call for help,

  • Delegate responsibility to someone else,

  • Keep my appointments,

  • Say no,

  • Give my honest opinion,

  • Dress how I want,

  • Sleep more,

  • Get up earlier,

  • Any fully-grounded act of generosity

    • A fully-grounded act of generosity is 1) offered for no other reason than it feels like me to give it (not to fix you, or to fix “us,” or to fix the situation.)

    • and 2) given out of my SURPLUS so there’s always enough left for me in the end.

When I’ve set effective boundaries, I find I’m comfortable no matter what you do and I can hold you in my heart no matter what you understand. And so connection is completely in my hands. 

If I find I cannot be available to you just as you are, I can work with my boundaries to get there (or not - it’s up to me).

But I cannot expect to experience connection, comfort or understanding in your presence until I get out of your business and take responsibility for the conditions of my own side of our relationship.

When I’ve done that successfully, I find there’s nothing you can do where I can’t love you completely, even though I might choose better for you - or from you - if it were my choice to make.